Sex After Baby | Tantra Expert Dawn Cartwright

The thought of sex after baby can be enough to make you want to run in the other direction (okay more of an exhausted jog). Regardless of which way that baby came out, your body is going through some major healing. Pair that with exhaustion and navigating this new role of mom, sex is probably the last thing on your mind (at least it was for me!). I reached out to Tantra/Sex Expert Dawn Cartwright to get her take on this and any advice she may have for me and any other new moms/dads struggling to get their groove back!

The idea of having sex post baby is a bit scary for some women. What are some ways that we can mentally and physically get ourselves back in the game?

So many changes happen in a woman’s body and emotions when she gives birth, the idea of having sex post baby can definitely be a bit scary. No matter how much love a new mother feels for her beloved (in fact love grows exponentially when baby arrives), no matter how ATTRACTED she is to the one she loves – sex can seem like a whole other universe.

1. Honor the Process  It’s normal for a new mother to feel discombobulated, especially when it comes to sex! The first few days, weeks and months after baby arrives a woman’s body and emotions are focused on bonding. With nurturing, pampering, emotional and physical support, her sexuality will deepen and become more fulfilling than ever before. It’s important for a woman to honor this time with baby, in fact, the process of bonding assists in balancing hormones and repairing her body post-labor.

2. Spend a Few Seconds Each Day Being YOU Take a few moments each day to feel connected to yourself, the woman you are as an individual. As women we tend to merge into those we care for and love. This is one of our best qualities. It can also be our biggest challenge. Just for a few seconds, while breastfeeding, or rocking your baby to sleep, close your eyes, feel . . . you.

3. Relax Your Body  Give a little love to your body, especially your womb and birth canal. Take a slow, soft breath, relax your lower abdomen and pelvic floor, sink into your pelvis and let go. Just 10-20 seconds is more than enough to release tension, boost healing and give you just a tiny bit of rejuvenation.

4. Go On a “Date”  Who on earth has the time or energy to go out with a new baby at home?! Create micro-dates with your beloved, here’s how . . . several times each week, stop and focus on one another – just for a moment, 10-20 seconds, tops. Look into one another’s eyes and really see each other. Melt into a hug, even if it’s with baby snuggled between you. Let yourself begin to feel yourself as a couple as well as a mother. Without any goal or trajectory toward sex, this kind of intimate connection can begin to reawaken the magnetism between you that created that bundle of joy in the first place.

5. Set Up a Delivery  Thank goodness we live in a time when EVERYTHING is just a “click” away. There are an infinite number of online smoothie, organic juices, gourmet meals, beauty and bath products that can be delivered within the hour. Set up a weekly delivery of something, anything, that makes you feel pampered. It’s all about you nourishing you so you can nourish your baby and reignite your sexy when the time is right. Feeling good and feeling nourished is key.

6. Remember Foreplay?  We’ve been conditioned to believe that sex is all about genitals and getting naked – but what about FOREPLAY? One of the things we learn as we get older (and wiser) is foreplay is often the best part of sex, in fact it IS sex! Take baby steps (forgive the pun) and start with a little massage, a little neck rub, a little cuddling and kissing and, before you know it, you’ll have your mojo back.

How important is the timeline for us to have sex after baby? Should we be looking to get back to it within a certain period of time?

Most important is that a new mother to gage for herself when she feels emotionally and physically ready to engage in sexual intercourse again. Physicians say it takes approximately 3 weeks for initial healing to take place inside the womb. There are women who begin having sex again 4 weeks after delivery. Women who’ve had an episiotomy are suggested to wait 6 weeks. Some couples prefer to wait 3 months, others, 6 months. A woman will sense when, after the initial 3 week period, is the right time for her. It’s important to trust and enjoy this time of being close to partner and baby in new ways that don’t include intercourse. It’s a time for a woman to honor her feelings and needs during this beautiful transformation into a new experience of sexuality – as a mother.

How can we restart our sex lives in a way that is fulfilling for both partners and yet different than before?

A beautiful Tantric Lovemaking Ritual, perfect for restarting a fulfilling sex life after baby. When mother and partner have decided they are ready to reconnect sexually, they’ll set aside an hour or two (trusted babysitter time) to create this ritual together. It has been proven that our bodies actually create our minds. When we make certain ritual gestures, we are literally shaping the mind into it’s most exalted state, that of bliss, love and beauty. And, in this case, reshaping our bodies and hearts to be lovers again after giving birth . . .

Give yourself 1-2 hours for your practice. You’ll want to have plenty of time to relax, let go and fully enter the ritual. Spend some time before you begin, creating the space, making preparations.

Dhyana . Meditation . Begin with a heart meditation. Place your hands on your heart. Feel your heart beating. Take a few moments to internally invite the beloved to join you in your heart.

Avahana . Invitation . Feel your desire. Desire is the invitation and the bridge, it’s the alchemy that transforms love as it is into love as we know it can be. Begin with a soothing breast massage, massaging the area around the breasts rather than the breasts themselves. Giving the breasts some love will assist in turning on the hormones that stalemate lubrication production in the sex.

Asana . Take Your Seat . Consciously choose to enter lovemaking as a lover, rather than wait for the lovemaking to wake up the lover in you. Feel the difference? Now, begin to practice some sweet Kegels together. Inhale and squeeze your Yoni as strongly as you can for 5-10 seconds, then exhale and relax completely. Then, add a pelvic tilt; rotate your tailbone up toward the sky as you inhale and squeeze your Yoni, then rotate your tailbone back to the earth as you exhale and relax the pelvic floor muscles. Repeat, this time, pressing out with your Yoni rather than contracting in. This works both parts of the muscle and is super supportive in nourishing the pelvic floor for pleasurable lovemaking. Hug your knees into your belly and roll in a circular motion around the sacrum, as if your sacrum was a clock. Circle clockwise 1-2 minutes, the counter clockwise 1-2 minutes.

Padya . Anoint . The ancient ritual of anointing strengthens body and spirit. Fill a basin with warm water, peppermint bath salts, rose petals and sweet almond oil. Bathe and massage the feet. Have a stack of thick fluffy towels nearby.

Acamanıya . Milk & Tea . Milk and water are symbols of sexual potency, fertility and life. Chai is a natural aphrodisiac. Offer a cup of herbal tea or a glass of spring water.

Abhishekha . Bathe . According to Tibetan Buddhist scholar Jeremy Hayward, abhisheka can be a method for performing esoteric transmission, a way to offer blessings of a lineage to participants, or it can be an empowerment to begin a particular meditation practice. Fill the tub and add a few drops of jasmine, rosewood, almond, or blood orange essential oils. While bathing offer a sensual massage, sing a love song or chant dedicated to the beloved.

Pushpa . Flowers . Say the beloved’s name again and again, 108 times, as you shower one another with flower petals. 108 represents the ultimate reality of existence which is simultaneously one, emptiness, and infinite. 1 = one. 0 = emptiness. 8 = infinity.

Aarti . Waving Lights . Surround yourself with candlelight. Merge together as one. Aarti (Sanskrit आराि क) is a beautiful ritual of waving lights. Composed of the prefix ‘aa’ and the word ‘rati’, aarti is the expression of one’s complete unwavering love for the divine. ‘Aa’ means complete. ‘Rait’, means love. Sit facing one another, arms and legs wrapped around each other. Breathe softly in sync with one another for 3-5 minutes. Place Penis up against the belly, against the womb. Feel your love merging the two of you together. Bring together all aspects of this lovemaking ritual, flower petals, chanting one another’s names, bathing one another in love, then, when you feel ready. Place Penis against opening of Yoni and just be still 5-10 minutes. Melt together, breathe together, gaze into one another’s eyes. When the new mother is ready, she will gently begin to rock her pelvis to bring the two of you together in your deepest love.

Is there a way our partners can help and support us in doing this? Any tips on getting the reluctant on board?

I find that partners are quite compassionate (especially if they attended the birth!) all they need is a bit of guidance and reassurance that sex won’t cause the new mother any pain. Beginning with some of the exercises I’ve listed above, your partner will feel connected, affectionate, in tune and ready to make love in a way that creates pleasure, connection and fulfilment for you both.

How can we find the time (and places!) to have sex now that there is a little person hanging around?

Be creative! Once you’ve gotten over the exhaustion hump (oops another pun) meet one another sexually in the shower, on the sofa (why do we get so attached to having sex in bed when we get older anyway?!), or hire a babysitter for an hour each week. Where there’s a will there’s a way. In the beginning, scheduling sex may seem anti-romantic – this transforms very quickly with time!

Any special tools or toys to assist in all of this?

Lots of warm massage oil – massages are the BEST aphrodisiac. At least a little bit of sleep (partner takes feeding shifts so mommy can nap) – another essential aphrodisiac. Roses, candles – this is easy, people (you can get these delivered weekly) to create a lovemaking atmosphere. And most of all, remember who you are and who you were to each other before baby appeared.

Click here to learn more about Dawn Cartwright or to book a session.

More on sex after baby here and here.